I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
