I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
