I was born with a shot glass in my hand
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
