We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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