He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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