Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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