I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
