Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
