okay pat passed out under dana's car
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
