He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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