Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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