we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
