there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
