In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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