The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
