Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
