i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
