I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
