my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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