I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
