im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
