My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
My penis needs a shock collar
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
