just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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