No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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