Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
