Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
