she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
