On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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