Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize