Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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