My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
