I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
