When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Verdict: uncircumcised.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
