i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
