I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
