is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
