high people should be assigned attendants
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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