I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
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