I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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