well I can't set my house on fire every night
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
