i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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