dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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