Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
