The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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