Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
