pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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