I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
