I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
