Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
