I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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