All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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