as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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