pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
