He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
