Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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