We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
