i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
