My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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