you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
