Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
