i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Every concussion has its silver lining
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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