I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize