I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
