I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
True strength comes from lack of pants
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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