Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
